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More ramblings

October 25, 2013

I don’t normally talk about my personal life on this blog, partly because I don’t think anyone really cares about it (you’re here for my crappy reviews of old X-Men comics, after all, not to read about how my day went), but also partly because I so seldom have much of a personal life to talk about.

But I’m still in that weird mood I talked about on Monday. Seriously, if you want to mess yourself up, spend a couple weeks binging on a bunch of webcomics. Experiencing years of happiness and heartache over the course of a few days is a great way to throw yourself out of whack. Not sad, just really thoughtful and reflective. So I’ve been in a bit of a mood to talk about it. And if you actually do want to read about my personal life, then let me know. It probably won’t make much of a difference, because as soon as I get back to normal, I still won’t have much to talk about. But I won’t feel so self-indulgent if I do decide to ramble about myself.

I spent quite a while texting with my girlfriend tonight. Telling her about the mood I’ve been in. And about us. I don’t think I’m in love yet, but I feel like I’m pretty close. I’m not sure how long we’ll be able to stay together – I’m probably going to have to move when I graduate college, since I’m not bilingual, and we have no idea if she’ll be willing to go with me if I do have to – but she makes me really happy, and that’s all I’m looking for right now. After my ex broke up with me, I was heart-broken. She was the first girl I really loved, and it made me understand what all those love songs talked about. When she broke up with me, it made me understand what the break-up songs were talking about. I’ll admit, I started to feel like I was probably going to wind up never finding anyone, and would die alone and unloved. I knew I could love again, I just didn’t know if I’d ever get the chance. My current girlfriend has helped me put myself back together. I actually feel more comfortable that, whatever happens, I can always find someone. That I’ll find someone that I’ll spend the rest of my life with. Or at least a significant portion of it.

I’m staying up all night tonight. Just because I don’t feel like sleeping. I’ve been doing it a lot lately. I did it last Thursday night, and on Sunday night, and on Tuesday night. I find I actually kinda like doing it. I’m a night person. I hate mornings. No matter how much sleep I get, I find it tough getting up in the morning. And I always feel tired when I get up in the morning. So staying up all night, I find, doesn’t leave me feeling any more tired than if I’d gotten a full night’s sleep. Once in a while, when I do it, I’ll feel like I want a nap during the day. Usually, I don’t even feel that much. In fact, sometimes, I’ll get tired enough that it makes me feel giddy. That’s the golden spot of sleep deprivation. That’s always a fantastic feeling. It really is. I haven’t been getting it this week, but I also haven’t felt the need for naps. Either way, I like staying up. There’s something really pleasant about it. I like being up at night. I like the quiet. I like the darkness broken by streetlights (even if I do think the streetlights need to be modified to prevent light pollution). I like how there’s no one else up and about. It feels private. It makes the night feel like something special, something that’s mine. I’m an introvert. I don’t like crowds. I don’t like a lot of activity around me. I’m not helpless, so I can cope with that stuff, and once in a while, I do enjoy being out with a lot of people, though even there, my enjoyment waxes and wanes. But at night, that stuff just . . . stops. The world slows down. The crowds disperse, the activity pauses. And even if I’m doing the same thing at 4 in the morning that I was doing at 4 in the afternoon – namely, sitting in my room at the computer – I can still feel the difference. Even if I’m just in my room all day, the night is still more peaceful and relaxing. I hate having to give that up to sleep. It hardly seems fair.

I talked on Wednesday about how amazing Pretty Deadly is. I want to say it again: It is amazing. Such a beautiful book. I read it twice on Wednesday, and I read it again yesterday, and I’ll probably read it again in the next couple days. Do you know how seldom I read a comic more than once?  This one is just really staying with me. I think it happened to hit me at the right time. I would’ve loved it no matter what, but I just happened to be in the right mood for it to really impact me. I’m completely in love with it. Completely. And I still want someone to put that song up on YouTube.

Speaking of music, I also wanted to talk about some. I always listen to music; I like having it on as background music. But lately, over the past couple weeks, I’ve been focusing more on certain songs, and on the experiences they invoke. I’ve been thinking a bit about how songs can do that. Whether it’s the whole song, or just a specific line, you’ll hear it, and you’ll think, “Oh, yeah, I know exactly what that person means.” Even if you’ve never had the same experience, you know exactly how it feels. So here are some songs that do that. Just a couple I could think of off the top of my head.

A Fine Frenzy – Electric Twist: For this song, it’s a specific line. “The touch of your lips is a shock, not a kiss.” That is one of my all-time favourite lines. It just a perfect line. The rest of the song is really pretty, as well. (Also, I love Alison Sudol’s dancing. It’s exactly how you need to dance to this song.) But that line. That’s how a good kiss feels.

Ida Maria – I Like You So Much Better When You’re Naked: This is the best song about having a crush ever. It completely captures what it feels like to have an uncontrollable crush. It’s not bad. It’s exciting and it’s fun and it makes you happy, but it also makes you so nervous that you start to feel like a complete idiot. It also includes the line, “I only smoke when I’m with you.” Which is a great line that captures that nervousness.

Jaymay – Gray or Blue: I’m linking to a live version. This is a really, really pretty song. It’s about the experience of two people who love each other, and who know they love each other, but don’t end up doing anything about it. This is the sort of thing that sustains a TV show for multiple seasons. I’ve read webcomics that have kept that sort of plot going for years. And this song does it in under 4 minutes. And it’s sad and painful, and every time you start to think there might be hope, you find yourself disappointed. And it’s actually pretty incredible. I’ve been really, really loving this song lately. Maybe because, as I said, I’ve been reading so many webcomics that had plots like that, so the song just makes me think of them. But it’s also a really pretty song. And it also has a line that captures another experience: “I know the shape of your hands because I watch them when you talk, and I know the shape of your body because I watch it when you walk.” That line feels familiar.

The Mountain Goats – Woke Up New: The first half of this song does a great job with what it feels like immediately after a break-up, when you haven’t actually gotten used to it yet. The little things you do simply because you’ve been doing them for so long.

I just know I’ll think of more as soon as I’ve decided it’d be too late to edit this to add them. Oh well. And by the way, I’ll be hanging out with my friend this afternoon. So I probably won’t bother with my TNG review today. I know I’ve been getting really, really bad about my reviews. But I’ve been having trouble getting into the mood to do them. Sorry. But hey, it happens. I kept it up fairly consistently for a year, I think I’m entitled to slacking for as little while. I’m sure I’ll get back into the swing of things soon.


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